Search

Charlotte K Stewart

Writer, Reader, Knitter, Artist

Category

Writing – Blogging

Exhaustion

That one word sums up my day, my week, my life…

The guy is history. He moved on. I lowered the boom and brought up concerns I had. He insisted, again, we could discuss and be rational (I think trying to convince himself, as I remained calm throughout)… then, he alerts me through social media notifications he has committed to some other female. Blink, blink. Yep. I’m still shaking my head. However, I don’t need to waste another moment wondering what his deal is. He moved on, he showed his true colors for sure, and I’m all right. Does it hurt? YES. It sucks when someone proclaims to be interested and says they want to be with you and spend time together and plan some kind of future with you, only to find out it was all a game and non-stop lies. I will guard my heart in its locked little box, let the gashes heal a bit, then I will keep going on with my life. I didn’t need him before, I certainly don’t need him anymore… no big loss at this point.

I did manage some writing the past few days. I doubled what had been a super-short story from five pages into about 10.5 pages. I changed it around slightly. I will find out tomorrow what others think of it in my workshop group. Feedback is helpful. I always learn something about myself, my writing, and how others view fiction. I’m too exhausted to write more on this post right now. I am trying to make more entries, but I also have a massive to-do list tomorrow. Meaning, I need to find a way to relax for a bit and unwind. I haven’t been knitting much. I will read, maybe listen to some music, then I’ll crash.

Till next time.

Sickness and Pain Suck the Life From Me

I barely have the energy to type this, let alone come up with a title for my post. I’ve been sick since just after Thanksgiving, in addition to my chronic and on-going conditions. Add to that a toothache/infection, tummy issues from medicine, and a migraine. I’m beat, I’m exhausted, and I’m miserable.

When I feel so down and have so much pain going on that I annoy myself, the last thing I want to do is vent or burden anyone I care about, least of all my best friend. We talk almost every single day, and I love her for being there for me. And, it’s important to me, to be there for her in return. I feel I’ve been extra moody and needy lately, and that, as a result, perhaps I haven’t been the support she needs or would like to have, at least some of the time. I hope I can get better soon, partly so I can hold up my end of the friendship.

Knitting is something that helps me get through things. I have been doing more of it again, the past several months. I signed up for a little class, which is my first time doing such a thing. I want to write a story about that, but the gist is that it’s the teacher/shop owner, five other women, and me knitting in a yarn store for a few hours for two Fridays. I learned a few things in my first class session. I am much more the listener and observer, not the sharer. I learned how to make a button hole, which is difficult for me with extra-limited use of my left hand. I know how to make cables in my knitting, which is not as complex as it seems. I hate chaos and noise, especially when I need to count and keep track of stitches and rows while learning new skills. I enjoyed the class, and actually learning some new things that will be useful in future projects. I hope I’m healthy enough to get to the second class.

I have been writing daily, for the most part, but this week I’ve deleted more than I’ve kept. My main WIP became two WIPs in the last month, and I have a new writing buddy/accountability partner with whom I’ve been corresponding. We are learning how to support each other, and what works as far as what we share, or how to share without risking offending each other (I think?); it’s a process.

Movie Night

Still not feeling great. I’ve managed to write a lot of words this week, though, which feels great. I’m going to watch a movie this evening. Longer post next time, but even taking time or mental energy to post has seemed like too much the past few days. People around me who seem to suck the energy from me when I start to feel a smidge better don’t make it easier.

I think I’ll go see The Accountant. It looks decent.

I Hate Being Sick

My post’s title says it all, for today and in general. I’m a bit too sick to write anything here, actually.

Many thoughts are swirling around my head, and I want to get them out before I pass out again.
Tomorrow, I hope I finish the chapter I’d wanted to get done today. And, I have a project that I want to honor with its own post. Not tonight.

I’m going to curl up with some knitting and a Lifetime movie, and I’ll do better tomorrow.

Library Day

I’ve been slacking with this blog the past few days. I’ve been under the weather, to put it mildly. I keep a lot of the day-to-day of my illnesses and conditions private, but they weigh on me. They make getting through migraines or other things that much more stressful and difficult. There are times I can wear my mask and keep going. There are other days, or weeks, when it all becomes too much.

Today, I’m at the library. I feel awful, physically. But, I needed a change of scenery and a different spot to sit for a while. It’s a tough day for me, a highly emotional one. Five years ago today, my best friend at the time, died. She was my very first college roommate. She became one of my best friends in life in the twenty years we knew each other. Time does not make it easier, or less painful, to lose someone close. I was the last friend to see her, the night before her last day in this life. I wish I had known. I wish I could have helped change her decision. I know, I’ve heard it all… that it wasn’t my fault, that she would have died either the same time and/or the same method, at some point, anyway. Those thoughts or words do little to actually comfort a hurting heart.

It’s bad when you go to some sort of group for survivors of suicide, and you don’t even feel welcome, or you don’t fit in. The people go to the group because they long for support and community, in some sense. Everyone shares that commonality, of knowing someone, or being related to someone, who died by suicide. But, the place I went was odder, still; they treated me like I wasn’t connected enough to the person I’d lost. I hadn’t lost a daughter, a sister, a mother, a spouse. NO. I lost my best friend. And, so, I lost the group I thought could help. They made me feel worse.

Now, I’m going to try to write for a while and not think about my dead friend. I have a few great friends who are alive. This isn’t about them. People don’t get replaced. You don’t move one aside and feel the same things for another. Each one gets their own love or place in your life and in your heart. My one friend’s place, her reserved spot, remains open and empty.

That’s all I can write about it now. Back over to my WIP fanfic; I need to get another chapter done ASAP; people are reeling after I posted the last one. I left them hanging on a critical piece of information. I’m getting questions about it, which is great. It means they’re hooked! YES! They care about the characters and the story. They love it almost as much as I do, which feels great.

 

I need to feed the hungry wolves again soon, before they move on to another source. 😉

I Set Up NaNoWriMo in Scrivener

I wish  I could say I did more than this today. I am not over this migraine, and my doctor thinks my flu shot reaction is still happening. I have to go get checked out Tuesday if I’m not all better by then. The one other thing I did get accomplished today was work on my writing notebook/bullet journal. I have a few more things to do, to get it the way I envision. I think it’s kind of snazzy for my first try, though.

I will write more tomorrow. My head hurts too much to focus here.

 

So Much for Today

Today was terrible. I barely slept. I kept the TV on all night, which was a mistake. I can’t sleep with it on. I was waiting to see what Hurricane Matthew did, though. I have family and friends in its path. I worried and watched, until I could not stay awake any longer. I kept waking up, checking the Weather Channel, and dozing off again. When I woke sometime after daylight, my head hurt worse than it had, again. I loaded up on Excedrin Migraine and burrowed back into my nest.

Sometime in the afternoon, I emerged. I had to pretend to be productive, for a few hours. I made some food, I wrote a few e-mails, and I laid around, aching and miserable.

I wrote this entry, I attended a live webinar, I did a load of laundry. That is about all I did today.

Tomorrow, I should have the place to myself. I will read tonight before going to sleep. I will write more tomorrow, and work on my big WIP. I also will set up Scrivener for my nano project, creating character cards and a chapter outline to help when November 1 arrives.

This is Becoming a Habit

I’m writing every day. I’m reading every day. I’m blogging every day (though the date may look off, it’s only a few minutes after Midnight – I count it as a day if it’s on the night of the corresponding/previous daytime). I would say I’m making progress.

I still feel quite sick, but hopefully tomorrow I will have energy and focus to delve deeper into a topic here. Fingers crossed.

I shared the Ninja Writers facebook group with my best friend tonight, after asking if she wanted to check it out. I hope it benefits her, too. It’s been helping me grow in my confidence.

 

Today I Fell Short

I wanted to write today. I wanted to finish the chapter I’m working on of my ongoing WIP fanfic, plus add to character sketches I’m doing ahead of Nano. Well, I got nothing done. Nothing fun or creative, anyway.

I did manage to get out of bed and go to my doctor’s appointment, but that feels like all I did.

I’m going to write for an hour before I read one short chapter, then it will be bedtime. Another appointment, and other things to steal my writing energy, tomorrow.

Better blog posts later in the week, I hope…

I’ve started more blogs than I can count on one hand. I over-analyze, over-edit, and often lose interest after a few weeks or months. My inner critic screams at me that no one wants to hear what I have to say. Everyone has their share of struggles, everyone lives and gets through to the next day, hopefully. So, what can I offer that no one else can offer? What makes my views on life so special that anyone would want to read what I have to say, much less follow my musings with any regularity?

I signed up for a free e-course related to blogging. I was still uncertain that it would help me in any way. However, I also added a new thought. What if it DID help? What did I have to lose, other than some time I would spend perusing social media sites, or playing games, or writing in any one of my scattered WIPs? Could I afford to spend an hour a day, or less, on giving this blogging thing One More Whirl? I decided to go for it.

This is day one of the Sticky Blogging Formula e-course. Sticky Blogging Website

And, you’ve just read my homework assignment. It took me less than 30 minutes to read the lesson, and another 5 to set up my shiny new WordPress account. I just spent 15 minutes typing up this post, from off the top of my head, with no draft or intensive editing. Less than one hour of time invested, and we’re up and running.

So, there you have it. My first blog post.

I will continue to see if this works out for me. And, if you follow along here with me, you can stay updated on my progress, too!

 

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑