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Charlotte K Stewart

Writer, Reader, Knitter, Artist

Too Hot and Tired

I had a few important things the past few days, aside from the kickoff of nanowrimo. But also, it’s really hot here. We shut the heat off. And I want the AC, but have to kind of suffer this week that’s hotter, until it cools off a little in about a week.

I had my routine mammogram screening on Wednesday. The tech was wonderful. I felt comfortable enough to ask some questions, which is a big deal for me, big progress trying to advocate for myself with my care. Won’t know results for a while. But, good thing is, no real reason to expect anything unusual.

Thursday was big, semi-annual bloodwork, when they draw about a half gallon of blood. Okay, maybe not quite that much, but it felt like it. Had a good chat with the provider, covered many issues and concerns. Cleared up some things that are forthcoming, it was stressful. However, I kicked ass and survived it all. I would like to get more into why it is so f###ing hard to get through all of it, but I’m not there– yet.

I finished up a knitted gift for a family member and planned a gift for another. Birthdayvember in my family can be a challenge, especially with adult siblings who aren’t the easiest to find or make just the right thing. We even celebrated a pet’s birthday. Maybe that’s weird, and we never used to do that until recently. For a variety of reasons, it seems meaningful to the people though, to mark three occasions and be grateful our animal companions are with us. 🐈❤️

I’m busting through with my bullet journal and making progress on my nano story, as well as on one of my ongoing WIPs. I have a migraine, and plans for a few items I want to accomplish later, so time to post this and get some rest, after cranking emotionally-charged music as loud as possible for an hour.

Happy Halloween & NaNoWriMo Eve.

It’s not my favorite holiday, in fact, I don’t really classify it as a holiday. It’s fun to dress up if that’s in the cards. I always enjoyed that part, along with the candy part. Not being social where I live now makes it harder to like any of this stuff, honesty. And, even my favorite real holidays are a challenge without friends nearby, or someone to go with me to any type of events. I know I sound old and crotchety, but it is actually for many valid reasons. I’m not too old, in the scheme of things. My life situation makes it seem like I am, though. I don’t have a significant other or spouse, no kids, so… it is just the way it’s worked out. Which is not even close to half my decision. And, it sucks.

I’m looking forward to nanowrimo. I have my medical and life appointments set on my calendar. My mail is organized. My knitting projects are queued up, some to have the finishing touches done, like weaving in ends, blocking, adding notions, etc. My laptop is updated, the mobile devices fully charged. A few notebooks and writing implements are assembled, in case they are needed or we have a power outage. The weather has been psycho, but today it’s sunny and comfortable enough to wear a sweatshirt. Junk food and healthy snacks are loaded.

I hope to be better about posting here, especially to track my progress with my new organization and planning system, as well as my nanowrimo project.

One of the cats turns 3 tomorrow. She is excited, because we make a cake and she licks the frosting. It’s a rare event, and since we didn’t think she would live past the first month, we take extra care to celebrate her birthdays.

 

Almost NaNo Time

I’m planning on doing NaNoWriMo this year. I have a goofy working title, created the project on the nano site, and started a bullet journal to help me crush my word goals.

I need the distraction from life. My writing mojo has been molasses, at best, since January. This year has sucked.

I wish you well if you’re joining in the madness of nano. If you want more wrimo buddies, find me on the site & add me. Username is Charlotte K Stewart.

 

 

Fall is Here

Fall is my favorite season. I love the color of the trees as they change. I enjoy the cooler air.

I wish OUR air was cooler. We’re still in the 90s and I’m ready for it to drop down twenty or so degrees during the daytime, any week now!

I’ve been sick. Same song, different dark melody. It’s been a tiring few months, again, of coughing, medicine, and other unpleasantness. I have some other semi-major medical stuff going on, to add to the ever-present chronic illnesses and conditions. It wears me down and makes me miserable to be around. I try my hardest to not be a downer, but the reality is… that is too exhausting to pretend, some days.

It hurts to breathe, it’s hard to move, even in my bed. Getting up, showering, doing anything the least bit productive is just… work.

Knitting had been going quite well. I’d tackled some projects I had hoped to be finished with already. I had to stop when the vertigo caused me to feel physically ill and unable to look at what I was even doing. It’s ridiculous and sad, honestly.

I have a pile of projects I’ve started and I’m not sure when I’ll get to finish them. I made a simple garter stitch scarf for a friend’s birthday (but didn’t send it yet). I crocheted some simple little flowers for my niece’s birthday. I glued them to barrettes for her hair. They turned out okay. Not as nice as I’d wanted, but since I’m still a beginner at crochet, I think anything I attempted and actually finished was progress.

Writing has been stagnant the past week. I’ll get back into my groove.

 

Working on Things

My writing has been continuous, but challenging. I haven’t been posting, and I apologize for that. It’s on the never-ending list of things I need to improve, but it hasn’t been a priority.

Things around me, family and medical junk, have been the most important since December. It’s getting worse instead of better. I can’t talk about most of it, can’t write it, and can’t… deal with it. That’s why I just haven’t been posting. I hate telling what’s going on with the folks close to me, as it’s their stuff not mine. BUT, it AFFECTS ME, and it’s stressful. And, it hurts. It’s terrifying and nagging and I can’t DO anything to make it better or make it go away. I can’t hide from it, as it’s right here in the same place as me. Sigh.

Today is a tough one for me, in many ways. I almost died a few years ago, on this date, and a few times in the week afterward. It still shakes me at least on this date each year. I have lingering (diagnosed) PTSD from this event, as well as from some other things in my life. I may seem more “normal” to folks who I see all the time, but, reality is I may never truly “just get over it” to any of the trauma. My body and mind remember. I find ways to deal, or to push through the emotions and sources of hurt. However, when you almost die, you can be grateful for making it through, and you can also wonder WHY? – to all of it. Especially when the life afterwards is mixed with some ups and a whole lot more downs.

I’ve been writing, but it’s not as much as I would like. I have two main projects. One is the epic, one is a series of stories (which are chapters, but making them each a story within a series seems more consumable in the publishing format I’m using). It stretches my imagination, which is good for me lately.

I’m knitting a few things, too. I’m doing a mystery knit-a-long for the first time ever. I’m showing pictures with other participants showing my progress and asking for help when I struggle. All these are new things for me. Including the type of item we are making, some of the stitches and techniques are new for me, too. I’m not used to working on a time schedule, either. I’m learning a LOT. In just over a week, I was ready to chuck my project because I was screwing it up so badly, then, a few days ago, I “got” it. I’m well on my way with the second segment, and, though not perfect, it isn’t looking too badly. I hope to have a nice gift for my niece’s birthday in October, which is reasonable since the project wraps up in September.

Also, I’m working on an art project thing within a free course. I watched and read the first of ten lessons. It’s a self-paced, perpetual type thing. Part of me thinks this is the worst time, ever, to take on a new project. However, I haven’t been making art, or diving deep into my imagination with visual media in a while. An artist at heart my whole life, I can tell when I’m not nurturing this part of myself and when it requires attention.

As such, it’s time for me to give this part of my being a little love. I’m making some notes, taking some snaps with my phone, and plan to dive deeper into the course after a few UGH real life, really challenging medical and family things… at least get wrangled or scheduled… or, something… so I can feel it’s okay to take a bit extra time to be creative and get messy with paint, chalks, clay, etc.

 

 

Things will be Okay-ish

There has been a lot of bad around here in recent months. I can’t get into it, that’s how bad it’s been. To write it should help me, but it doesn’t.

What does help is knowing that, after several months of never ending bad, a few things are looking up. Enough that I can knit a little again, and enjoy some of my buddies’ auto race endeavors, and feel like I’m not slacking off in the friend department, and like my medications and medical care are going to be okay enough to get by again, at least for the short term.

I can’t think about the long term tonight, but I need to focus on being grateful, and for appreciating what is good today.

 

It started with one toothache 

March 19th, I had just hung up from a phone call with my baby sister. While fiddling around, getting ready for bed, I noticed the soreness. The distant ache that creeps toward the front, begging for more and more attention. The irritation you know has been there intermittently for a while, but that you had pushed aside, figuring maybe that’s the next small cavity that will require a filling next time you see the dentist. You hope that’s all it is. But, when it shoots down your jawline into your neck and wakes you from a dream about your fantasy guy, and keeps you awake thinking about how you might have to call the dentist when the office opens at 8:00, reality sinks in,

It started this way. One tooth, one pain. It became something much more painful, and something quite costly, in numerous ways.

I’ll have to continue to share more about it later, though; I have an appointment at my oral surgeon’s office this afternoon. We are buddies (and no, I’d never even been to one before this circus started).

Info: Free Creative Writing Course

Doing my first reblog/share. Hope it shows up correctly.

FREE Creative Writing Course

http://colleenchesebro.com/2017/05/10/free-creative-writing-course/

Fed Up

I’m stuck in a nightmare from which I cannot wake. My pain and illnesses are beyond anything imaginable, and more things keep piling on. I can’t do this alone. I am falling apart. 

Can things get ANY worse? Yes.

Never even think the question to yourself, because breathing life to the thought brings it into existence. Though I’ve heard it before, it continues to happen. No sooner are things so bad they feel almost impossible, then something even harder and more impossible comes up. It keeps happening, unstoppably.

My cough has finally ceased, for the first time since the last week of November. But, several bad things have happened since Christmas. A few are not getting better. Some of them are only deteriorating, and I’m not sure how to push through it all.

I keep knitting when I’m up to it, writing when I can focus my brain for thirty minute chunks, and generally sleeping or worrying the rest of the time.

I’m trying so hard to be positive, but it is harder to do that than ever.

 

 

Are you on Ravelry?

I joined the day after my birthday, several years ago, when you still had to request a membership. I think it was still in a “beta” phase, though it already seemed large and hopping by the time I was extended a join code.

When I get too overwhelmed by life or other things, I peruse patterns. I look at lovely yarns and the delicious feast of colors and textures others have chosen. I admire the skill and time they have put into projects that seem too complicated for me to even attempt.

It seems I go through phases. I’ll have a phase of wanting to get super-organized. I’ll add a needle or two from my supplies, or click on the button to mark patterns I hope to try. Occasionally, I’ll stash some yarn or post a project I started. I am not great about getting it all on there, from beginning to end. The library of actual books that I added is mostly lost in boxes from a move I made over five years ago, and I’m bitter about that entire thing. I want my hands on my resources, especially now that I’m knitting again after a multi-year hiatus for medical reasons.

I have newer things to add to my “notebook” on the site; I want to make that a goal for this year. I actually want my needles, yarns and books that are ON my real bookshelf… listed on Ravelry. I want to post projects from cast on to bind off, with some photographic evidence of my time and efforts. I am going to work on this, BIG TIME, in the upcoming weeks.

Groups and forums are another animal, completely. I’ve joined and left several, over the years. I’m active in one or two, again sort of in phases. Currently, there are a few who message or write from time to time. It’s nice to have a little sense of connectivity within the largeness of the overall site (it’s HUGE).

 

Sickness and Pain Suck the Life From Me

I barely have the energy to type this, let alone come up with a title for my post. I’ve been sick since just after Thanksgiving, in addition to my chronic and on-going conditions. Add to that a toothache/infection, tummy issues from medicine, and a migraine. I’m beat, I’m exhausted, and I’m miserable.

When I feel so down and have so much pain going on that I annoy myself, the last thing I want to do is vent or burden anyone I care about, least of all my best friend. We talk almost every single day, and I love her for being there for me. And, it’s important to me, to be there for her in return. I feel I’ve been extra moody and needy lately, and that, as a result, perhaps I haven’t been the support she needs or would like to have, at least some of the time. I hope I can get better soon, partly so I can hold up my end of the friendship.

Knitting is something that helps me get through things. I have been doing more of it again, the past several months. I signed up for a little class, which is my first time doing such a thing. I want to write a story about that, but the gist is that it’s the teacher/shop owner, five other women, and me knitting in a yarn store for a few hours for two Fridays. I learned a few things in my first class session. I am much more the listener and observer, not the sharer. I learned how to make a button hole, which is difficult for me with extra-limited use of my left hand. I know how to make cables in my knitting, which is not as complex as it seems. I hate chaos and noise, especially when I need to count and keep track of stitches and rows while learning new skills. I enjoyed the class, and actually learning some new things that will be useful in future projects. I hope I’m healthy enough to get to the second class.

I have been writing daily, for the most part, but this week I’ve deleted more than I’ve kept. My main WIP became two WIPs in the last month, and I have a new writing buddy/accountability partner with whom I’ve been corresponding. We are learning how to support each other, and what works as far as what we share, or how to share without risking offending each other (I think?); it’s a process.

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