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Charlotte K Stewart

Writer, Reader, Knitter, Artist

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chronic illness

My Mom is Dying

I’m having a hard time. This has been the worst Thanksgiving of my life.

Three of my sisters arrived today. Two drove from Florida with my 4-month-old nephew, the youngest sister flew in from North Dakota. There is too much to put here. My head and my heart can’t take what’s going on.

She’s ready to go, in a way. She’s 67. It seems so young. I’m not ready for my mom to leave. I still need her. I wish I could write more but I just can’t. Not yet.

I need prayers, good thoughts, superhuman energy and fortitude not just through her passing, but for the next several months. Losing her means Dad and I will need to move, which sounds okay.

It’s not. Because I need a new knee. Because I have extreme medical care of my own, and can’t lose the crummy excuse for insurance and yucky doctors I need to see regularly to keep existing, myself… I can be of little use to him with cleaning out the house, selling it, etc.

Please I need rest and focus and better health and… I need my mom to be okay but she’s not going to be.

Here’s a pic of the flowers my sisters sent before they knew they’d be coming to town:

I Am Alive

There are days that is all I can say. My whole past year has felt that way, more of the time than not. It was a bad week. I think things can’t get much worse, then they go ahead and veer off the rails. I would like to get into detail about it, yet I can’t do that. At least, I am not ready to do it.

The part I can share is my family is having a tough time, on top of my own stuff that’s going on. It isn’t one thing. It’s not even ten things. It is a non-stop flood of MASSIVE things. And, it’s too much. I don’t know how the family is getting by, on a daily basis.

I had a doctor appointment this week, which took several hours, and I lost it. I completely broke down and cried and vented for two solid hours. I wanted to curl up and hide, but after the close to four-hour long appointment, all I could do was go back to the family. Back to the situations I’m stuck within. Back to feeling like my body and my life are not moving or going anywhere. At least, not anywhere better. Everything is either stagnant or declining. That is how I have to leave it. I can barely type this. I just keep crying.

I am writing. I am doing nano, though I wasn’t sure I’d be able to even bother with that. It can be a good distraction, for a few 30-minute chunks a day. Will it ever lead to more? No idea. For now, it is getting me hour to hour, maybe day to day. Maybe to December 1st.

NaNoWriMo is Coming

November starts in two days. I am – and am not – ready for this year’s nano. I have other big projects that start on the same day. My health has been lower than the usual, fairly low, holding pattern I exist within. I have multiple goals for the next month, and zero energy.

I trashed the project I had hoped to do for this year’s nano. Maybe not actually “trashed,” but stuck it inside a box, in the back of the file cabinet inside my mind. I may use the lead female character for a future project, or change her around and give her the spotlight down the road. But, not this November.

I am taking the day off. I will write later tonight, because I write every day. I am counting this post as writing, and I will get some things down on my WIP tonight. However, my brain is overloaded, and today my body is screaming at me.

 

Some rest is needed before I face the next month and work on plodding through the rest of the prep work for those, tomorrow.

I also have a big appointment on Thursday, which has me stressed out. I will do what I need to do between now and then, and I hope after that is in my rear-view, I might have less trepidation about the next few months. That will be a refreshing sensation (I say, after going through this several times already).

I’m off to watch my NASCAR race. There less than a handful left in my favorite series with my favorite driver in the field.

Ciao. Happy Sunday.

 

No Fighting Today

I have no energy, my pain is swallowing me whole. The family people around me treat me like an unwelcome stranger. 

My body hurts. My mind is reeling, but numb.

Today, depression and weakness win. I’m hiding out. Need things I can’t have. Feeling raw, sore, and desolate.

Back in a few days. 

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