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Charlotte K Stewart

Writer, Reader, Knitter, Artist

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grief

My Mom is Dying

I’m having a hard time. This has been the worst Thanksgiving of my life.

Three of my sisters arrived today. Two drove from Florida with my 4-month-old nephew, the youngest sister flew in from North Dakota. There is too much to put here. My head and my heart can’t take what’s going on.

She’s ready to go, in a way. She’s 67. It seems so young. I’m not ready for my mom to leave. I still need her. I wish I could write more but I just can’t. Not yet.

I need prayers, good thoughts, superhuman energy and fortitude not just through her passing, but for the next several months. Losing her means Dad and I will need to move, which sounds okay.

It’s not. Because I need a new knee. Because I have extreme medical care of my own, and can’t lose the crummy excuse for insurance and yucky doctors I need to see regularly to keep existing, myself… I can be of little use to him with cleaning out the house, selling it, etc.

Please I need rest and focus and better health and… I need my mom to be okay but she’s not going to be.

Here’s a pic of the flowers my sisters sent before they knew they’d be coming to town:

NaNoWriMo Update

My writing has been great, even if other things have been less than wonderful. I’ve grown my nano project to more than halfway, today reaching a little more than 30,000 words. My main non-nano piece has grown, too. I’ve published a few chapters since the last time I posted here. This is good for me, even if I feel like I barely make it from day to day the past month or so.

This next week is unbearable for me, and I want to write about why, but I can’t do it.

I am always a wreck in November. I grieve. I laugh. I bawl. I might not come around here too much until we’re into December, other than to let you know when I reach the 50,000 word goal of nano. Forgive me if I hide. It’s what I have to do.

 

Library Day

I’ve been slacking with this blog the past few days. I’ve been under the weather, to put it mildly. I keep a lot of the day-to-day of my illnesses and conditions private, but they weigh on me. They make getting through migraines or other things that much more stressful and difficult. There are times I can wear my mask and keep going. There are other days, or weeks, when it all becomes too much.

Today, I’m at the library. I feel awful, physically. But, I needed a change of scenery and a different spot to sit for a while. It’s a tough day for me, a highly emotional one. Five years ago today, my best friend at the time, died. She was my very first college roommate. She became one of my best friends in life in the twenty years we knew each other. Time does not make it easier, or less painful, to lose someone close. I was the last friend to see her, the night before her last day in this life. I wish I had known. I wish I could have helped change her decision. I know, I’ve heard it all… that it wasn’t my fault, that she would have died either the same time and/or the same method, at some point, anyway. Those thoughts or words do little to actually comfort a hurting heart.

It’s bad when you go to some sort of group for survivors of suicide, and you don’t even feel welcome, or you don’t fit in. The people go to the group because they long for support and community, in some sense. Everyone shares that commonality, of knowing someone, or being related to someone, who died by suicide. But, the place I went was odder, still; they treated me like I wasn’t connected enough to the person I’d lost. I hadn’t lost a daughter, a sister, a mother, a spouse. NO. I lost my best friend. And, so, I lost the group I thought could help. They made me feel worse.

Now, I’m going to try to write for a while and not think about my dead friend. I have a few great friends who are alive. This isn’t about them. People don’t get replaced. You don’t move one aside and feel the same things for another. Each one gets their own love or place in your life and in your heart. My one friend’s place, her reserved spot, remains open and empty.

That’s all I can write about it now. Back over to my WIP fanfic; I need to get another chapter done ASAP; people are reeling after I posted the last one. I left them hanging on a critical piece of information. I’m getting questions about it, which is great. It means they’re hooked! YES! They care about the characters and the story. They love it almost as much as I do, which feels great.

 

I need to feed the hungry wolves again soon, before they move on to another source. 😉

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