I’d like to write a poem or essay about how this word “unwanted” makes me feel. I’m too close to it to convey those things with perspective tonight.
What I can say is I am physically ailing. Emotionally, I’m drained. I’m slow to ask for support. I tried, and I was criticized and put down. I learned from early in life to internalize and stuff those feelings inside. Then, I get accused of not reaching out again, or of holding onto things (feelings, experiences); I wonder why.
Stuck goes along with unwanted now. Stuck in a sick, failing body. Stuck in a location/situation due to a long list of valid reasons. Stuck in suffocation. Stuck in isolation. Stuck and silenced. Stuck screaming only into an imaginary black hole.