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Charlotte K Stewart

Writer, Reader, Knitter, Artist

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life

My Mom is Dying

I’m having a hard time. This has been the worst Thanksgiving of my life.

Three of my sisters arrived today. Two drove from Florida with my 4-month-old nephew, the youngest sister flew in from North Dakota. There is too much to put here. My head and my heart can’t take what’s going on.

She’s ready to go, in a way. She’s 67. It seems so young. I’m not ready for my mom to leave. I still need her. I wish I could write more but I just can’t. Not yet.

I need prayers, good thoughts, superhuman energy and fortitude not just through her passing, but for the next several months. Losing her means Dad and I will need to move, which sounds okay.

It’s not. Because I need a new knee. Because I have extreme medical care of my own, and can’t lose the crummy excuse for insurance and yucky doctors I need to see regularly to keep existing, myself… I can be of little use to him with cleaning out the house, selling it, etc.

Please I need rest and focus and better health and… I need my mom to be okay but she’s not going to be.

Here’s a pic of the flowers my sisters sent before they knew they’d be coming to town:

Is it Only Thursday?

This feels like the fifteenth Thursday, or maybe Monday… of a week. I’d like to say I am doing better, feeling better, in less pain. That would be a lie.

What I can say is I spent fifteen minutes cleaning today. I wish it could’ve been more. I need to *just* do these small bites as I feel up to them, or the bigger projects will never transpire. I have to feel like even the small steps are something forward and not me remaining stuck.

Progress is slow, and my struggles are still large and ever-present. A few little steps today felt like big ones, so it’s a start.

I Should Be…

Fill in the blank with sleeping, writing, cleaning, improving, or any number of other things that I’m not doing. My brain isn’t having any of it. My body is fighting me every step of every task. I should be doing about a million things I’m not.

Unwanted

I’d like to write a poem or essay about how this word “unwanted” makes me feel. I’m too close to it to convey those things with perspective tonight.

What I can say is I am physically ailing. Emotionally, I’m drained. I’m slow to ask for support. I tried, and I was criticized and put down. I learned from early in life to internalize and stuff those feelings inside. Then, I get accused of not reaching out again, or of holding onto things (feelings, experiences); I wonder why.

Stuck goes along with unwanted now. Stuck in a sick, failing body. Stuck in a location/situation due to a long list of valid reasons. Stuck in suffocation. Stuck in isolation. Stuck and silenced. Stuck screaming only into an imaginary black hole.

 

I’m Sick

I have bronchitis. It’s never any fun, but it’s especially not pleasant this time of year. I have so many things I need to get done and want to do that being sick on top of my chronic conditions really drags me down. I am not on antibiotics, which I’m glad about for many reasons. We’re hoping a few types of inhalers, combined with the little round “perles” and over the counter cough syrup will help me enough until I can get the rest of the buggies out of my system. If I’m not much better in about two weeks, I’ll get checked again. And, my stomach had to start acting up on top of it all. I have so many problems, on any given day. I’d love a day or a week when it’s “only” my usual with nothing extra tacked on.

Writing has been hit-or-miss. I was on a roll with a new story for a few days. I had no energy to add to it for the past few. I’ve been working on it today, as I felt up to it. I would like to get anything near completed this year… so far, that’s not happening. I have had zero energy to knit at all. Tomorrow is knitting group at the library, which I missed last month due to illness and too much pain in my knee (because of where I need to get to inside the building, after how far I need to get from the car to the front door is pure hell on my bad knee)… I want to go so badly. There is a conflict of transportation, on top of the illness and injury matters. I’m bummed and I need to talk to the girl who runs it about another way to try to get this to happen, or about changing the location inside the building, maybe.

 

 

Pants Should Be On Fire

I mentioned a guy a while back. We started talking in February. We began talking online, as that is how most of my socialization occurs nowadays, not just due to technology, but because of my life situation. He wanted to be considered a couple in March. I was hesitant. He talked about coming to meet me in person. And, I would never, have never… expected to even get into a relationship again. Let alone be a real couple who is dating or together. Certainly not married. Yes, he did go there. He brought it up, saying I was his future Mrs. W. Insert gasps and eye rolls here.  There is a lot to the past few months, from his life and mine, but I’ll keep it brief. He lied, lied, and lied some more. He is single. His photos and his voice are legit, from everything I could figure out. I’m rather good at investigation. And, he was not a liar about his situation or his appearance. But, he is a serial dater and serial liar, about silly nonsensical things. Things that most people wouldn’t feel a need to lie about, such as what color shirt he chose today. He might be wearing red but say blue. Why? NO REASON! I will end this now by saying, I brought this up to him and we tried having a calm, adult conversation about it. It’s the third time we have tried… that I have tried. He claims to love me. I thought we had a connection, but I can’t be close to someone, or allow someone into my life, when they are not trustworthy. He destroyed the shred of trust we were forming. He broke that. I am letting him go because, though it sucks to end something that may have had a chance to grow into something… chances are, the way it was going, it was never going to be real or healthy. I have been alone so long, I’m used to it. I would like more, in some ways, but I don’t need someone like him in my life. Adios, Pinocchio.

 

Happy Halloween & NaNoWriMo Eve.

It’s not my favorite holiday, in fact, I don’t really classify it as a holiday. It’s fun to dress up if that’s in the cards. I always enjoyed that part, along with the candy part. Not being social where I live now makes it harder to like any of this stuff, honesty. And, even my favorite real holidays are a challenge without friends nearby, or someone to go with me to any type of events. I know I sound old and crotchety, but it is actually for many valid reasons. I’m not too old, in the scheme of things. My life situation makes it seem like I am, though. I don’t have a significant other or spouse, no kids, so… it is just the way it’s worked out. Which is not even close to half my decision. And, it sucks.

I’m looking forward to nanowrimo. I have my medical and life appointments set on my calendar. My mail is organized. My knitting projects are queued up, some to have the finishing touches done, like weaving in ends, blocking, adding notions, etc. My laptop is updated, the mobile devices fully charged. A few notebooks and writing implements are assembled, in case they are needed or we have a power outage. The weather has been psycho, but today it’s sunny and comfortable enough to wear a sweatshirt. Junk food and healthy snacks are loaded.

I hope to be better about posting here, especially to track my progress with my new organization and planning system, as well as my nanowrimo project.

One of the cats turns 3 tomorrow. She is excited, because we make a cake and she licks the frosting. It’s a rare event, and since we didn’t think she would live past the first month, we take extra care to celebrate her birthdays.

 

Things will be Okay-ish

There has been a lot of bad around here in recent months. I can’t get into it, that’s how bad it’s been. To write it should help me, but it doesn’t.

What does help is knowing that, after several months of never ending bad, a few things are looking up. Enough that I can knit a little again, and enjoy some of my buddies’ auto race endeavors, and feel like I’m not slacking off in the friend department, and like my medications and medical care are going to be okay enough to get by again, at least for the short term.

I can’t think about the long term tonight, but I need to focus on being grateful, and for appreciating what is good today.

 

Can things get ANY worse? Yes.

Never even think the question to yourself, because breathing life to the thought brings it into existence. Though I’ve heard it before, it continues to happen. No sooner are things so bad they feel almost impossible, then something even harder and more impossible comes up. It keeps happening, unstoppably.

My cough has finally ceased, for the first time since the last week of November. But, several bad things have happened since Christmas. A few are not getting better. Some of them are only deteriorating, and I’m not sure how to push through it all.

I keep knitting when I’m up to it, writing when I can focus my brain for thirty minute chunks, and generally sleeping or worrying the rest of the time.

I’m trying so hard to be positive, but it is harder to do that than ever.

 

 

Sickness and Pain Suck the Life From Me

I barely have the energy to type this, let alone come up with a title for my post. I’ve been sick since just after Thanksgiving, in addition to my chronic and on-going conditions. Add to that a toothache/infection, tummy issues from medicine, and a migraine. I’m beat, I’m exhausted, and I’m miserable.

When I feel so down and have so much pain going on that I annoy myself, the last thing I want to do is vent or burden anyone I care about, least of all my best friend. We talk almost every single day, and I love her for being there for me. And, it’s important to me, to be there for her in return. I feel I’ve been extra moody and needy lately, and that, as a result, perhaps I haven’t been the support she needs or would like to have, at least some of the time. I hope I can get better soon, partly so I can hold up my end of the friendship.

Knitting is something that helps me get through things. I have been doing more of it again, the past several months. I signed up for a little class, which is my first time doing such a thing. I want to write a story about that, but the gist is that it’s the teacher/shop owner, five other women, and me knitting in a yarn store for a few hours for two Fridays. I learned a few things in my first class session. I am much more the listener and observer, not the sharer. I learned how to make a button hole, which is difficult for me with extra-limited use of my left hand. I know how to make cables in my knitting, which is not as complex as it seems. I hate chaos and noise, especially when I need to count and keep track of stitches and rows while learning new skills. I enjoyed the class, and actually learning some new things that will be useful in future projects. I hope I’m healthy enough to get to the second class.

I have been writing daily, for the most part, but this week I’ve deleted more than I’ve kept. My main WIP became two WIPs in the last month, and I have a new writing buddy/accountability partner with whom I’ve been corresponding. We are learning how to support each other, and what works as far as what we share, or how to share without risking offending each other (I think?); it’s a process.

I Am Alive

There are days that is all I can say. My whole past year has felt that way, more of the time than not. It was a bad week. I think things can’t get much worse, then they go ahead and veer off the rails. I would like to get into detail about it, yet I can’t do that. At least, I am not ready to do it.

The part I can share is my family is having a tough time, on top of my own stuff that’s going on. It isn’t one thing. It’s not even ten things. It is a non-stop flood of MASSIVE things. And, it’s too much. I don’t know how the family is getting by, on a daily basis.

I had a doctor appointment this week, which took several hours, and I lost it. I completely broke down and cried and vented for two solid hours. I wanted to curl up and hide, but after the close to four-hour long appointment, all I could do was go back to the family. Back to the situations I’m stuck within. Back to feeling like my body and my life are not moving or going anywhere. At least, not anywhere better. Everything is either stagnant or declining. That is how I have to leave it. I can barely type this. I just keep crying.

I am writing. I am doing nano, though I wasn’t sure I’d be able to even bother with that. It can be a good distraction, for a few 30-minute chunks a day. Will it ever lead to more? No idea. For now, it is getting me hour to hour, maybe day to day. Maybe to December 1st.

Movie Night

Still not feeling great. I’ve managed to write a lot of words this week, though, which feels great. I’m going to watch a movie this evening. Longer post next time, but even taking time or mental energy to post has seemed like too much the past few days. People around me who seem to suck the energy from me when I start to feel a smidge better don’t make it easier.

I think I’ll go see The Accountant. It looks decent.

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