So much has been going on with my mom, with my family, with the way I look at life and situations lately. We’ve been a complete rollercoaster, in terms of expecting that Mom will die, three times for sure over the past five weeks. Yes, tomorrow is FIVE weeks since we called 9-1-1 and since she went into the hospital. It’s been such a scary and tumultuous time, one of planning for the just in case she dies, or bracing for the oh no, she’s really going to die… to the praying that she is actually improving, to having setback and then a half step forward, then another major setback… it’s been exhausting. Plus, on top of it, along with my chronic conditions that will never improve, I’m sick now with a respiratory illness, and I have a dental problem… the hits keep coming, and I’m not handling anything well… that’s putting it mildly.

Last week, along with the ups and downs with Mom, I started feeling quite under the weather. I’d been coughing for more than a week, and over the counter stuff wasn’t making it better. Off to the urgent care I went, hoping they could help me. The doctor I got that day was one of the nicer and more thorough ones. He thought it’s viral, and kindly agreed that antibiotics (which have their place, but they are not my preference since they caused me massive complications a year and a half ago) would not be the ideal route. He gave me some Rx cough med and sent me on my way, as I assured him I already had an appointment with my regular physician today – four days after the urgent care visit.

The good thing is my doctor listened to me today. Some things that needed addressing after my last appointment have improved (shocking, given all that I’ve been dealing with). I told doc that some of my meds aren’t helping, so we’re working on that, too. She refilled some of my drugs, added one that we hope will help an issue with muscle spasms in one of my hands, and… after much going back and forth, she suggested I go back to a place I’ve been to in the past for some counseling. I am not all thrilled about that, for various reasons. But, I agree it’s a smart thing to at least go in and see if they’ll take my insurance (the main reason I stopped going, when my coverage changed and no longer paid for my appointments). I go tomorrow morning, and we’ll see what happens. I have had some times when it worked and others when it didn’t –  it kind of sucks to be told you can’t really be helped. No wonder people stop even trying.

I am going into it with a desire to get support through what’s a difficult time with my own health, my mom’s health, and my family as a whole. I want to believe the side effect will be feeling less overwhelmed and out of control about life in general… I know, it’s all about what I put in as to what I get out of it. The person I used to talk to is still there, and she was nice enough. She also had told me she was mostly a sounding board with no real solutions for me, which rang true… when someone’s health is in a horribly incurable and unchanging space, it’s hard to see how it might change or improve, and that can be frustrating for client and for counselor, I think. Anyway, it’s also good research for my stories which feature strong psychological aspects… odd perk? LOL

I have bronchitis, I have a lump on my arm (we’re keeping an eye on it), I have an appointment in March on what would be my grandmother’s birthday… and I am going to see about curling up with some tea and a book before heading to sleep before my appointment for counseling intake tomorrow.