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Charlotte K Stewart

Writer, Reader, Knitter, Artist

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mom

We Were Not Going to Decorate for Christmas

      Things have been kind of dark around here this holiday season. The day before Thanksgiving is when it became real that Mom might die, and we felt that was imminent. Ever since, we’ve been up and down, up and down… not wanting to get overly hopeful about how long she might stay alive, preparing for the worst in some ways. Obituary is drafted, burial plot is ready, funeral homes in our current and home states are ready… when the time comes.
      I wanted to put the tree up, but Dad did not. He’s always been a bit of a Grinch, as long as I can remember, anyway. He had said he wasn’t going to bring all that “crap” up from the basement just to turn around and put it away a few weeks later… And, everything has felt strange and dark. I love Christmas, but this past five weeks have been full of doubt, fear, darkness… Today, a small tree arrived via UPS. Thanks to one of my sisters, who lives in Florida. It is less than two feet tall, and it is quite lopsided, until it relaxes a bit. It smells good… it’s a conica spruce. One of the cats has adopted it as her own, already. After a day or two, I’ll throw the included decorations on it and call it good… it’s more than we’d planned to do this year. I’m allergic to real trees, actually. BUT, I don’t even care. I took some Benadryl and I smiled.
       Mom called me tonight, which was a nice surprise. I told her about the tree and sent her a few pics thanks to a smartphone making that simple. Maybe Christmas 2018 won’t be the darkest, ever.
      Thanks, “Patsy Cline.” xo

My Mom is Dying

I’m having a hard time. This has been the worst Thanksgiving of my life.

Three of my sisters arrived today. Two drove from Florida with my 4-month-old nephew, the youngest sister flew in from North Dakota. There is too much to put here. My head and my heart can’t take what’s going on.

She’s ready to go, in a way. She’s 67. It seems so young. I’m not ready for my mom to leave. I still need her. I wish I could write more but I just can’t. Not yet.

I need prayers, good thoughts, superhuman energy and fortitude not just through her passing, but for the next several months. Losing her means Dad and I will need to move, which sounds okay.

It’s not. Because I need a new knee. Because I have extreme medical care of my own, and can’t lose the crummy excuse for insurance and yucky doctors I need to see regularly to keep existing, myself… I can be of little use to him with cleaning out the house, selling it, etc.

Please I need rest and focus and better health and… I need my mom to be okay but she’s not going to be.

Here’s a pic of the flowers my sisters sent before they knew they’d be coming to town:

Emotionally Drained, Physically Pained

No one really wants to hear what seems a long list of complaints, ailments, or what’s seen as whining. I get that. So, I’m not going to do that in this post. I just need to write and vent a little. Today was hard. It was not far off the usual, lately, as I was in unbearable physical pain. It’s standard when you have chronic illness and some major old injuries that never go away mixed with newer things occurring thanks to a combination of factors. Along with that nightmare, the pain that prevented me from moving around much early in the day, I had another batch of messes which were a lovely combo of my family members’ BS plus some things that came into play later in the afternoon.

I am opening up, exposing something I seldom do, even with other family members, and trying to work through what happened today. See, I’ve been raw the past few days already. And, today there was a reappearance of an old topic… an impasse between my father and me. I can’t get into the details. I can say, I made some confessions to my mom about things I’ve felt for years, due directly to things my father said (or yelled) at me. I don’t let those things go. I might, if they were things that didn’t continue to be repeated, or echoed, or hammered into my brain and my heart for the past 45 years. There are big fears I have which are NOT unfounded. They are real, based on things he has uttered or shown over time. I had the courage… finally… to tell her two major things today. I kind of really didn’t mean to… I’ve held onto them for quite some time.

What I don’t know is how this is going to play out. Things aren’t great with either of them, in terms of their health. There is a ton I wish I could be open about and I just can’t do it, at least not for now. I have so many issues and concerns.

On the outside, I try to be strong and bold, but there is part of me always timid and apprehensive, about some things. Again, not without solid reasons. My heart hurts, my soul is crushed, my brain is in overdrive. I can’t write, can’t relax or unwind, and can’t think of truly restful sleep. I wish my body wasn’t sick and broken so I could go for a walk, a run, a bike ride… I need some big changes that I am not able to even think of making. I had to get some of this out of my head so I can lie down and try to rest, as I have medical junk tomorrow (my own, and going to an appointment with my mother). I don’t know if I should be afraid or more comforted by some things she said to me this evening. It’s a true amalgamation of both, for the moment.

I know much of this is cryptic. Maybe one day I can explain it better, but… I am hoping it helps so tomorrow I can focus my brain enough to work on some writing as well as some preptober tasks.

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