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Charlotte K Stewart

Writer, Reader, Knitter, Artist

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self

Is it Only Thursday?

This feels like the fifteenth Thursday, or maybe Monday… of a week. I’d like to say I am doing better, feeling better, in less pain. That would be a lie.

What I can say is I spent fifteen minutes cleaning today. I wish it could’ve been more. I need to *just* do these small bites as I feel up to them, or the bigger projects will never transpire. I have to feel like even the small steps are something forward and not me remaining stuck.

Progress is slow, and my struggles are still large and ever-present. A few little steps today felt like big ones, so it’s a start.

Unwanted

I’d like to write a poem or essay about how this word “unwanted” makes me feel. I’m too close to it to convey those things with perspective tonight.

What I can say is I am physically ailing. Emotionally, I’m drained. I’m slow to ask for support. I tried, and I was criticized and put down. I learned from early in life to internalize and stuff those feelings inside. Then, I get accused of not reaching out again, or of holding onto things (feelings, experiences); I wonder why.

Stuck goes along with unwanted now. Stuck in a sick, failing body. Stuck in a location/situation due to a long list of valid reasons. Stuck in suffocation. Stuck in isolation. Stuck and silenced. Stuck screaming only into an imaginary black hole.

 

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