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Charlotte K Stewart

Writer, Reader, Knitter, Artist

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thoughts

From Near Death to Hope

Several months ago, I feared my mother was on death’s doorstep. She was. However, just over five months from the beginning of the ordeal, things have swayed up and down several times- now we are on what seems to be a consistent upward shift, one where we have a shred of hope that she will, eventually, come home. That’s our Easter miracle.

There is much more to cover, but right this moment I want to be thankful my mom is alive and that she’s looking and sounding the most like her since last fall.

I Should Be…

Fill in the blank with sleeping, writing, cleaning, improving, or any number of other things that I’m not doing. My brain isn’t having any of it. My body is fighting me every step of every task. I should be doing about a million things I’m not.

Unwanted

I’d like to write a poem or essay about how this word “unwanted” makes me feel. I’m too close to it to convey those things with perspective tonight.

What I can say is I am physically ailing. Emotionally, I’m drained. I’m slow to ask for support. I tried, and I was criticized and put down. I learned from early in life to internalize and stuff those feelings inside. Then, I get accused of not reaching out again, or of holding onto things (feelings, experiences); I wonder why.

Stuck goes along with unwanted now. Stuck in a sick, failing body. Stuck in a location/situation due to a long list of valid reasons. Stuck in suffocation. Stuck in isolation. Stuck and silenced. Stuck screaming only into an imaginary black hole.

 

No Fighting Today

I have no energy, my pain is swallowing me whole. The family people around me treat me like an unwelcome stranger. 

My body hurts. My mind is reeling, but numb.

Today, depression and weakness win. I’m hiding out. Need things I can’t have. Feeling raw, sore, and desolate.

Back in a few days. 

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